The recent Duality in my life

Unlike most other days today I woke up as early as 7:30 am. Well, of course not just for the sake of it. I had to book my tickets to my home. But Alas! Owing to the really crawling speed of the internet service and the huge population which is always ready to travel across the 28 states of the country, I couldn’t book a confirmed ticket. My friend suggested me to board the train and do “JUGAD” with the TT. Well that didn’t really excite me as it does to most people.

Somewhere deep down, I don’t feel like paying Rs. 200 or more (depending upon my negotiation skills) to that man wearing a black coat for a seat which technically should be someone else’s. To the contrary I am ready to shell out 6000 bucks to take a flight to my sweet home 1500 kms away. A rational economist might term me as “insane” and may be “stupid” or whatever. Who on the earth would pay 6000 when one can get away with a mere 200.

I genuinely do not know why the hesitation in me. Is it because I have never done this? Or is it because I find it unethical? Or is it because I think I am incapable of getting this done? I have wondered and pondered on this for countless times only to be bewildered.

Coming to getting bewildered, it’s not just this ethical dilemma which is causing all the rumbles in my small sized brain. The past two months have been kind of very exotic. And very importantly exotic isn’t always “good” or “bad”.

The New Year did start with the usual SIMSR exams which probably now mean “just another day” to almost everyone. What kept everyone’s attention and will continue to in the near future are the placements which I shall evade talking about. The month has the history of gifting the world, two people who I happen to love a lot. One is without a doubt, I myself J and the other one being someone who has had the maximum influence over my life other than my parents. And talking about the end of the first month there were two events which loaded me with an unbundled amount of joy and sorrow. While the trip to Goa with my closest friends here was one of the best moments at SIMSR, my failure to clear an exam (for which I happened to study) was clearly one of the worst moments at SIMSR. And the two events took place within 24 hours. So probably, I didn’t even get any time to grief about the same.

Come February which is often considered the most eventful month of the year in the lives of most people. Well if not apologies to my generalization, but I guess February to me or my life or my family has been the eventful months. While 6 out 15 members in my family got married in this month and found their lifelong partners, I, on the other hand made an (un)successful attempt to fine one for me (long time back). But as a matter of fact it still is the best dream I have ever lived and the worst nightmare I still fear henceforth. In the first week of the 2^nd month, inspite of the burgeoning population, I managed to lay my hands on the confirmed train tickets to the city I love more than my hometown. A perfect 3 day plan to the city, which harbours most of my loved ones and the ones who have made me whatever I am; for the good or the worse. On one hand I was able to relive an entire day with one of my sweetest friend, I once again failed to rectify the wrong and complete the incompleteness of certain aspects of my life. And while I was returning back to my hostel in Garibrath (a train used by rich misers like us) I didn’t know whether to smile or cry. My heart both rejoiced and wailed at the same time, leaving me alone with my unattended and incomplete emotions. That was the time I first realized that there could be something worse than being sad and grief stuck. And it is to not know about one’s own mental state, dwelling and oscillating between the being happy or woeful.

It wasn’t the end of the duality my life had been encountering. Here came the valentine week which to a single pessimist like me is nothing more than “commercialization of human emotions”, to the Marxist within me it is “wastage and inappropriate use of country’s resources” and to the capitalist within me, it is one of the ways to realize the growth story of India through the routes of LPG and demand driven economy. Ohhh... Looks like economics once again proved its pervasiveness. I will leave this here to be taken up some other day.

And coming back to what I just termed as “duality of my life”, here I come to where I started from. I sit here idle with an unconfirmed ticket to my home, not even sure whether I want to go or not. I sit her with a bundled set of emotions which I am yet to vent out, again unsure of whether I should at the first place. Somewhere I feel not venting them out unexpectedly helped me to not be sad (doesn’t imply happiness) for a long time, but I fear to think about the stress my cardiac muscles and my tiny brain would be taking at a sub conscious level. May be not speaking out, has compelled me to be not myself off late and I find myself slowly crawling back into my own limited personal space. May be that is the prime reason why I have made so many unsuccessful attempts in the past 24 hours to scribble something or maybe that is why I don’t even feel like watching those stupid yet addictive English TV soaps. May be this is why I wish to go home to get some peace of mind and also not want to go because I am incompetent to hide my emotions from my mom.

Life is way too simplified and bewildering at the same time. I guess that is the way it is meant to be. May be the mystery surrounding life and behavior itself is the sole reason for the existence of the Homo sapiens. I do not know. May be I will try to find my answers once I get home.

Wish me some luck!!!

---Sriram