(Dis)pleasures of being “Completely Vella”

Most people I have met in my life have always had one common complain and point of dissatisfaction. They didn’t have any time (leave apart the concept of quality time) for themselves or for their family and loved ones. Sandwiched between work and endless responsibilities they found their lives being torn apart. They longed for moments where they could go and watch a movie or just sit by their window and relax or atleast have one morning when they wake up without getting tensed about all the unfinished tasks they need to complete. In short they were the modern day depictions of what Henry Davies wrote long back, “What is this life if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare.”

Till sometime back even I was one amongst them. The pressure of performance in all the activities I undertook voluntarily or involuntarily along with a host of personal and professional responsibilities used to drain me out. There were moments when i felt like running away to the Himalayas. Then came a moment of my life, when I got a dream job with my dream organizations, in a manner which still feels like a dream to me. Suddenly life changed in a blink of an eye. Moments before I was crashing under the nerve breaking pressure of proving oneself to the world; and suddenly I was a free bird.

Out of all the emotions which filled my heart the one which I wish to talk about is the pleasure of being “Completely Vella ” (For those with poor vocabulary “Vella” is the state of body and mind in which a person has absolutely nothing to do or think)

After a long time I wake up with no POAs at the back of my mind. I take all the time in the world to get ready (even if that makes no difference in how I look :P). Being a little abnormal, I now wake up pretty early in the morning. (I wake up late when I am supposed to do the contrary). My mom would be really happy to know that I now am regular with my breakfast also. And after all these morning chores I sit idle with literally no job. (Getting a job in medium run has made me unemployed in the short run). For the first few days I actually enjoyed this feeling of being vella. After all it came to me after a lot of trials and tribulations.

But this happiness was really short lived. I now feel really weird. And there are reasons for the same.

I wake up early and sleep late which gives me an extra couple of hours to spend. (But where?). I do not have any deliverables and have no reasons whatsoever to open a book or even the daily newspaper. (Honestly I wish to remain as far as I can from that ET). I don’t feel like browsing through a novel or books which give “general gyan”. But what really horrifies me is the fact that I don’t feel like watching movies or TV soaps either. While had exams I used to watch a movie almost every day along with those TV series (likes of HIMYM and Scrubs). And I used to take small naps while sitting on my study table. Even when I had to grasp those riling and vexing rules of IFRS and US GAAP, I always found time to compose poetry or write something abstract. But now I do none of them. How am I supposed to pass the 24 hours I have at my disposal... I guess the real fun and pleasure of having “fun” is when I have deadlines to achieve and unfinished tasks in my hands.

Yesterday, for the first time, I felt like I should have had a girlfriend. Not that I am looking for a short term relationship just to pass my time(I won’t do that even in my dreams), but looking at my committed friends I do know; they are always short of time(No offence meant). May be that is a panacea to all my problems.

I know I am a confused soul and when I should be living these moments, I am actually praying otherwise and would again pray otherwise the moment my prayers get answered! May be that is how I am.

-Sriram

Rationality vs Fate

Ever since I got the essence of the two very crucial words in everyone’s life, surprisingly enough I have never been able to place the 2 of them on the same line of thought and attitude.

Rationality and Fate.

Can a rational human being ever believe in fate? Or can someone who believes in fate be ever rational? Or to be more confusing as well as precise can a single individual be both rational and believe in fate?

The moment I make an effort to look for an answer, my mind, my heart and my senses all collide and the result is a complete chaos just like the outside universe and thus maintaining the much needed equilibrium of life. At a personal level I would rather abstain myself from ever believing in the concept of fate. However this doesn’t imply that I always make an effort to be rational. This brings me to yet another question. Does the absence of one of the characteristic imply the presence of the other? If not what do we call a person who is neither rational nor does he believe in fate?

The degree to which my mind is cluttered now can be explicitly seen in how the above thoughts have come out to be. I myself am now trying to figure out what exactly do I plan to prove or conclude. And to add to the misery, I put up a simple question to myself!

Define rationality and fate.

And the sad part is I genuinely do not have a definition which could possibly fit in the plethora of varied perspectives of life. The very basic issue is when we proclaim an action to be rational or otherwise we do it on the basis of certain assumptions, which are mostly implicit and seldom do we realize their presence in our so called logical reasoning. So if one fine day I start questioning those assumptions and rate them on the scales of their rationality, we will reach situation where we have no assumptions to make which isn’t as rosy as it seems. Lack of assumptions could possibly imply an absence of a ground to build the foundations of rationality.

Thus when we make an assumption and then build up the network of rationality, we have already left the success of the process to its own fate of doom or existence. And later when we humans tend to believe that we are rational we fight against those who believe in fate, sometimes even derogating and questioning their rationality. Don’t know about others but I do it with myself. Probably this is the moment where even existentialism can’t come to the rescue to wage a war against fate. And hence I end up from where I started. The questions still remain unanswered. Probably they are meant to be just questions to raise yet remain unanswered or evoke a thought process. Plausibly this is what that has and will continue to lead to the evolution or devolution of human mind.

-Sriram

Random Thoughts- II

When the sun shone high and lit the room
I woke up with a heavy head
Something wasn’t pleasant though
I wondered what that was made me feel so low

I did have a good night sleep
And a great dinner as well
Yet it felt like morning blues
I pondered, but had no clues

Past few days haven’t been good
Lot of fluctuations in everyone’s mood
More than often I hurt someone with my inaction
Only in an effort to take a little extra precaution

It is so heart wrenching
To feel no more than an otiose
For someone we think we knew so well
Appears to be a stranger in a world so grandiose

As we travel across the sands of time
We all pretend to be jocund and sublime
Those moments when we introspect and retrospect
In our desperation of self actualization
Is just a matter of life and time

--- Sriram

Lucky to be

Sweet smile, beautiful eyes, and elegance
is what defines her and her presence
Pure thoughts, selflessness and commitment
is what I wish to augment

I met her by chance
Or call it fate or destiny
And in no time I could feel
A growing friendship within

Everyone who ever could meet her
Has never been left not mesmerized
she is one of the rarest jewels of all
I am lucky to be her friend after all

--Sriram

I finally had a time to be “just me“

Moving along the greeneries of campus

I walked and hopped and jumped

Splaassshhh..... The muddy water

And my clothes looked all the same

People all around ran in a helter-skelter

Mostly looking out for a shelter

Hiding themselves from moments so beautiful

Something so tranquilizing, so meaningful

As I turned towards my hostel

The clouds roared and the sky flashed

In no time I found myself drenched

Looking up I felt the those drops of rain water

I slowed my pace in joy

Unwilling was I to enter a closet

The smell of the earth and the chill gave me a kick

I simply felt besotted and fuddled

Suddenly life around was just so beamishly beautiful

Everything seemed so happy so pleasant

Unknowingly I smiled at everything and everyone

As even the grass and leaves smiled back

For those moments I had no worries

No commitments to honour; none to please

Neither did I think of work nor of love or friends

I finally had a time to be “just me“

---Sriram

What could be a possible explanation

Very often the landlords do not go in for technological innovation because they feel it won’t reap any substantial returns as the tenants would not evict and thus continue to pay the same old rent. However looking this from a different perspective we can also say that a rational tenant would innovate. This is because if the latter is so confident of not being evicted, he should logically be ready to spend on the innovation as he would be one reaping all the benefits. But in practice, we see a widespread technological stagnation both in agricultural land as well as urban housing.

So what could be a possible explanation for the same???

Through the kaleidoscope

Looking through the kaleidoscope of memory
Into the oblivion of the days gone by
Life is but a culmination of a few moments
And the manifestations of those we treasure.

Back to the childhood I see myself
Trying to stand on the 2 little feet
And once again here I am, on the crossroads
Of changing priorities in an attempt to stand tall

Life is but a circle of events
And sooner we end up from where it all began
But this time there’s no one to hold my fingers
Neither anyone to catch me if I fall back
--Sriram

I have finally moved on

The day you called me up for the last time
Only to mention that love wasn’t for a lifetime
The whole night I cried, wailed, and wept
Till tears refused to drop and cheeks were no longer wet

Friends had always warned me; Foes laughed at me
Inspite of the odds, faith was all I had
Moments later I was left devastated, wondering
If it was really happening, stuck in the mode of denial

Months later I gazed into the mirror
I shed no tears, I was finally moving on
Only to find myself in an unknown zone
Of contempt, fear, dilemma and emotions foregone

Then comes year number one
I no longer starred at her pictures; neither talked about it to my friends
I was finally moving on
Only to start scribbling the past on a paper

Time passed and I grew stronger
Life took many turns; some good some not so good
But there was this zeal to go ahead of the past
A hope against the hope to recollect the shattered dreams

Three years down the lane
I no longer wish to get back that lost life
I finally have moved on and am happy
Only to still remember her smell and how hard I fell
--Sriram

Once I am dead...

As I listened to some old tracks lonely
The virulence of gloom shrouded me
Unaware, unknown and incognizant of the coming melancholy
I began to wonder, question and excogitate

What if I never wake up tomorrow?
What if the sunset today marks the end to yet another life?
What if today is the last time I could talk to my family, friends?
What if I never get to see that face which gave meaning to my life?

And then a sudden jolt brought me back
Making me ponder and reassure if I was sane anymore
While I did combat with those inevitable thoughts,
I couldn’t help but surrender to my unruly mind

Am I afraid of death? Yes, I am... who is not
But the question is why am I afraid of death?
Would it really bring the world of someone to a stop?
And how would people remember me, if at all they do?

There are answers to each of them hidden in our life
But do I really wish to know any of it.
It might make me happy, might as well gloomy
I just do not know.

My mother would cry for me for I am the only child; good or bad
My dad would mourn for me for I am the light; bright or dull
My friends may miss me for reasons even I do not know
Only for all of it to fade away into the memory lanes

Here I sit clueless with a question that haunts me every single moment
For I desperately pray, I do not scathe hearts of people I care
I wish i knew how would I like to be remembered and rated?
As a son, a brother, a friend, a partner and an individual...
---Sriram

A tryst with the calamitous fear of the (UN)known

Since the time I ever understood what terrorism and violence is, I have been reading about the misery and tragedy unleashed by the naxalites. Very often when I used to turn through the pages of the local daily in my hometown I could see the images of spilled blood and torn piece of bodies after an ambush. Naxalites have been overpowering both the government and the law and order in the entire region and probably it has become a way of life in here. The only feeling or action which was common across all the readers was a “sigh” and all including me were in the delusion that we are close to understanding the sentiments of the affected villages cities or families.
But it was only yesterday when I realized how wrong I was. It was in those long 4 hours drive from Jamshedpur to Bokaro, I felt what the fear of unknown terror is. As my car hurried across the streets of Chandil (a major centre for naxalite activities), I could see the terror on my face in the eyes of a few people walking down the streets. Over a vast stretch of some 200 kilometres, I could almost count the number of vehicles which ran past me. They were not more than 30. Every time a car passed by us it gave me a reassurance that probably everything is fine on the other end. As my car turned and zig zagged on the hilly terrains my eyes kept looking endlessly on those hills which is the abode of the “RED TERROR.” One never knows from where those separatist groups might come in and put in a few dozen bullets in your body. Only a couple of days back, a jeep full of several soldiers were blown apart into pieces while they were patrolling on the same roads I was currently on. Every 10 minutes I used to seek reassurance if we have crossed Jharkhand and entered the West Bengal as the strike which these people had called was only for Jharkhand and Bihar.
Probably it is the first time I am finding it so difficult with the words to express my thought process, rather my fear. I just don’t have the right words which would probably suffice to ascertain the amount of fear I faced.
But while all this, I was forced to wonder and ponder upon the effects, implications and consequences of the distortion of the entire social and political and economic fabric of the country. Political because the entire issue is very much politically relevant and it needs to attract a major attention of any political agenda which claims to provide a safe life to its people.
Economical because only a businessman or a shop owner or a self employed or people on those lines can feel the brunt of not being able to work for 1 full day and lose a huge amount of potential revenue. And if by chance the loss of men and material which happen during all the merciless attacks by these Naxalites
Social because they aren’t anyone outside the country. They are our own people who have lost their mind big way. They are our own educated people who have no jobs to look after their family. They are our own people who might have not had a childhood as good as we had. And they are our own people who sadly don’t hesitate for a second before burning you alive. This is nothing but a perfect recipe which would ultimately lead to a complete anarchy and may be annihilation of the entire social set up which took centuries to be established.
I don’t have any rational solution to this nor was my objective to give any. Probably I wrote this to pay a tribute to all the Jawans who died fighting for our safety and thousands of innocent men women and children who couldn’t even understand their fault before being massacred. And to people living in there who pass each day of their life in a kind of fear which made me almost go crazy and insane in just 4 hours.

Economics of Relationships

Before you read further let me make a disclaimer! The text written below has multiple connotations, interpretations and significance which would vary at an individual level. It might appear to be the stupidest thought to a few, wacky to some and geeky to most people. And there might be a small section of people who understand something of game theory and probably would be able to understand the pervasiveness of economics and its application not only in business but also in personal life.
But as usual it doesn’t offer any solution to the problem. It identifies it and goes deep into the rational of why the problem arises at the first place. Probably identification is the first step towards reaching a solution.
At the same time it also deals with the rationale of the irrationality of the so called rational human behavior.
It tries to understand why some good people remain unhappy in relationships while many not so good people are found to be much happier and relaxed.
Let’s first understand the application of game theory in the world of relationships and seek an answer to the observed behavior of people around us.




Now in the above matrix, if one out of the two is not serious, while the other is the resulting pay off is highly unfavorable to the one who is serious. This is very evident and self explanatory. It’s always the one who is serious and gets dumped cries, while the other partner after having all the fun and frolic moves ahead. Now as a logical human behavior both partners should be serious and committed to each other to attain maximum satisfaction and utility. In economic terms both being serious should have been the “Desired Equilibrium”
However here lies the catch and a proof that the behavior of people might not be always rational and there will be various occasions when they settle for the 2nd best optimal solution rather than the best available opportunity.
In this case there is an intrinsic fear in both the partners that if the latter is not serious, the former would have to pay a heavy price. And hence both of them end up being not so serious in their relationship. This leaves them with no real gains and utility.
We all know that the best utility ad highest level of satisfaction would have been achieved only when both the partners are serious and that is the ideal and rational expected behavior. However the application of game theory helps us understand the irrationality in the otherwise rational human behavior.
Thus we see how pervasive Economics as a discipline is. For all those who have no background in economics this was possibly the easiest explanation of the application of game theory in our everyday human life.
This is what I call as “Economics of Relationships”

P.S. The origin of thought came after I saw Aanand Ji devastated... :P

A moment of Humour and smile

Yesterday evening when I was laughing my heart out as i listened to the jokes in a stand up comedy by Cyrus (the MTv guy), there were a lot of things which flashed at the back of my mind which i didn’t realize it then. But now on a lazy Sunday afternoon, where luckily i am not expected to read anything remotely connected to finance, I realize everyone had a different interpretation while bursting out into laughter; yet the common thing is all of them came there to have a time off from their otherwise monotonous schedule.

There were lawyers who wanted to listen to something really creepy other than the “order order” and there were doctors who desired to something other than blood and pain. Then there were a lot of lovely couples who could finally take time for each other, and as they held hands while listening to the puns of Cyrus I could see a couple of celebrities too who were totally having a good time without anyone around pestering them to by asking all sorts of stupid irritating questions. And then there were students like us who wanted a total stress buster and luckily were at the right place at the right time.

Just as diverse as the kind of people were the reactions of each of them... with every double meaning joke he cracked. While a few so called sophisticated people tried hard from laughing too loud, the group of young girls and boys almost roared with laughter. But this was quite expected. What was more interesting was how a few ladies almost in their late sixties at time burst into a kind of squeaky laughter and the way a few old men almost guffawed. On some occasions with the typical bedroom jokes, while d oldies couples tried reminiscencing their good old days; the newly formed couples probably anticipated an intimate passionate moments in next few hours. Atleast I would have, had I found my better half

Humour certainly is an integral part of life and probably these people do a great job by externally adding some of it in our lives, which at times gets so cluttered and messed up with our visions, goals and gruesome schedule. Overall it was a good experience and after a long time I could actually see some really beautiful girls after getting stuck in Ghatkopar. Just let’s hope we keep up the light of humour alive in our lives and relationships and someone righty says “We all smile in the same language “ So keep smiling and the world around will look more beautiful and wonderful than ever.
-Sriram

Random Thoughts

Life is so strange full of surprises
And equally strange are the thoughts
They keep coming and going
And like the Mumbai rains... always catches me unaware

Sometimes it brings a smile so subtle and unnoticed
Yet makes people around me wonder
While at times it kills those same smiles in the bud
And yet again makes people around wonder

Random thoughts are often so irrational
They have neither logic nor a flow
And leave no trace of where did it
at the first place come from

A few minutes back I was so much
Into the world of options and futures
And moments later here I am
Drowned into an all together different world

But the best and the worst part is
I do not know what I have been thinking all along
It’s just that a thought came and made me smile
And the other one, cry

-Sriram

An Incomplete poem... I didnt wanna finish

I sit in a dark room
All alone in a gloom
And as i look outside the window when the night is in the full
I feel so much woeful

I listen to the soft tunes of old classics
And every line of it seems to give me kicks
Ears are so filled with the melancholy
So are my eyes drowned in complete silence

I don’t sleep for more than a few hours
Thinking about her I spend hours
And as I look at those stills
It seems as if life lacks all the frills

I wonder how life would have been
Had she been there with me today
Possibly I would be wring a love note for her
Instead of this moron text

We may not get back ever again
We can never walk together on a lane
But still there’s something I don’t know about
And it makes me go back to the forbidden zone

A few unanswered questions

When you travel alone on the streets of Mumbai and especially during office hours, even a 15 minutes travel converts into an hour and a half because of the incessant irritating traffic. Often under such scenario I end up having a shirt nap or taking to the auto driver. Most of them are the usual boring ones but sometimes I have come across people who really are different from the marching crowd of vagabonds and cheaters.
A few months back I met a driver who was a graduate and worked with reliance as a sales manager drawing some 30,000 per month. And when I asked him the rationale for his night shift as an auto driver, he gave a simple plain reply; money. Of course he worked that extra bit to earn money. How could I be so dumb in not interpreting that myself? Possibly because I completely blew out of water knowing that even a person earning this amount has to drive to earn that extra buck in order to meet his family demands. Not that I was aghast because I consider driving a menial job but I was more than surprised at the level of determination and commitment he has towards his success. I could only visualize his daily schedule and the amount of allegiance he maintains to his goals and ambitions. And on the second though I realized do I also have that kind of passion to get to the top. Do I have that guts in me to take up whatever I get in a short term and sacrifice my comforts in order to secure the future. I guess not to the tune of what that man possess. Last time when I heard a person needs to work from 8 to 8 in a dealing room I almost thought not to go in that field. I could probably think on those lines because I have someone to fall upon if needed. But then I realized, it’s not the way I can afford to be.
Yesterday again I met a driver who couldn’t complete his education because of his family commitments and does not loot his customers because of his moral principles. He tries to save a mere 300 to 500 everyday which goes into the family of 4. So no savings for him! And inspite of these entire circumstances, he never complains about his state of life or blames the corrupt system around. Probably he is a stalwart believer in the goodness of the almighty. After listening to his story where in I couldn’t find any remorse and knowing his value system I could help questioning myself and people around me on a number of issues.
Where do we stand on these grounds of moral principles?
Where do we find ourselves in appreciating what we can gain instead of endless cribbing about the system?
And for those of us like me who feel it’s important to be a critic have ever tried to move towards a position where in they could possibly bring about all the changes they talk about?
Where do we see ourselves without the support of our parents?
Where do we rate ourselves in terms of the amount of patience and belief in the goodness of the great God?
Where do I find my knowledge of economics helping them increase his standard of life?
How many of us have actually ever thought about people not so fortunate like us and come up with a sustainable solution? Or at least even tried to work towards that!
Where do I find my MBA education useful to these people in even a slightest of manner?
Or to go deeper, how does my overall education help in ameliorating the lives of millions of piteous around who don’t even have the very basics of their life?
It’s not that these are the questions which come once in a while and fade away like the colour of a shirt bought from a venal seller. Some of these unanswered questions have troubled me not since a year or two but right from the day I first spoke in my school long back. The dubiousness of my mind is a chronic issue. And till the time I don’t find one for myself, I don’t have a right to question anyone else.
But I do hope I will find an answer to all of it or at least some of it in my lifetime. And now that I have nothing to say I can think of just those few lines which have impacted my thought process more than significantly
“Our ingress into the world was fun and fare
Our progress in the word is troubles and care
Our egress from the world would be nobody knows where
But if we do well here, with care
We will do well there “

Beautiful loneliness

I look out of my window
Mellowly into the far sky
I am happy for there is no one to disturb me
In a hostel so full of lonely melancholies

The horizon is like a bright orange
With shades of pinked hue
Hills on other end seem like a mirage
And I keep gazing as if stuck with glue

The birds are flying back in groups
But to me they seem like a bunch of elegant shadows
The lights across the roads have started flickering
And as the darkness takes over the little squirrels start quivering

Down the lanes and the small patch of neatly cut grasses
I see people walking to the tunes of their life
There are both the old and the young
Accompanied by women and children big and small

While the old, stroll spreading calmness all around
And the couples saunter, creating an aroma of romance and synergy
A young men few take strides burning their calories and pound
As the small children hop around disseminating energy

Slowly I could see none of it
Only their sounds and energy traveled across me
And as the sun set on the distance so far
Those flickering lights took over the hued sky

Suddenly I hear a commotion on my floor
With people coming back to the hostel
And I am forced to come out of that beautiful moment
With a loud knock on my door

It took me an year to realize the beauty around
But i am happy to have felt it today; and as I opened the door of my room
I realized that sometimes loneliness brings us closer
And intimate to a lot of other beautiful things around

---Sriram

Status message

A few minutes back I saw my friend completely engrossed in something over internet. It was nothing new but still this time he seemed to be trying to concentrate and come up with some new ideas, I guess. I didn’t want to disturb him. So I just waited patiently. After I could hold no more, I peeped into what he was doing with no bad intentions. And guess what! He was surfing to find some humorous messages. Till now everything seems pretty normal. Isn’t it?
Well then hold on. This message search wasn’t for an add or a concept development as I actually initially thought it to be. It was exclusively for putting it on the gtak status message.
Can you believe it? An exhaustive surfing done to find a good message to be displayed on the G talk!!! Well don’t be surprised. The effort is not just unidirectional. There are equally energetic people who read those status messages and even initiate a chat on those lines.
I was wondering what all possible uses people make of this thing. I will start from my own. Whenever I add a new post on my blog I update it on my status message. If I feel very happy or very melancholous I again write something in indication to that on my status message. Sometimes i also tend to get a little philosophical and so end up writing some heavy statements (mostly picked up from some great source)
Many people write great quotes as per their personality. It ranges from being academic to pun intended and from lively to dark humor.
Currently most people have their status message inspired from “ kamene” with s being replaced with f and this is getting truly very viral.
One my friend and his love indulge in online romance through gtak status message!!! (I know he might screw me for this. but couldn't help mentioning this.) After all this is one of the sweetest uses of status message i have seen till now.
But off late the best use of this has been made by the students of PGA @ SIMSR.
Every controversy in class is communicated in a very subtle manner through gtak status msg. There have been numerous instances where everyone in the class came up with a common status message for a specific person. And that poor targeted creature could do nothing but sigh. And no one is spared in this.
And as I complete this and post this, my status message would also be “blog updated”. And why not? After all it’s all about using the resources we have, at our discretion.

A lost opportunity

I sit here in my room all relaxed
After a storm of events which made me feel drained
Times can be truly contrasting and combat
Some days we feel the heat; rest we miss the heat

When we have strict professors we pray for liberals
When we have lenient ones we complain the complacency
We miss the personalization when a prof is cold
While we ourselves react cold when treated personally

I am not to blame anyone or take sides
But I wonder if we know what we want
Is it we who always desire what we do not possess
Or it is just humane to not value things we already get

I always had an answer to this seemingly easy question
Until I myself was a part of an exhibition
Where the best minds failed to act rational
And lost a multitude of what could have been ‘ours’
- Sriram