Why does is happen that life always seems beautiful when I look at it in a retrospect? Why do I value things only when I no more own it? Why do I always look at our childhood pictures and say, “I wish I could get that life back?” Why do I always want to get back to that same place where I was born when all the life I have done everything possible to run away from it? Why do I now desire to be with all those people and all those things from which I wanted to move ahead?
I always wondered why people get nostalgic and used to be no less than surprised at their so called weird behavior until I myself behaved the same way. I could never realize the importance of my primary school teachers unless I moved ahead to senior secondary school. I could never feel the warmth of my school friend’s love until I moved to college away from almost all of them. Neither could I ever relate myself to my home before I lived all alone in a single room flat for 3 years while at college. I never did enjoyed the home cooked food until I slept empty stomach in my flat because the tiffin service was too bad to be eaten. For the first time in my life I hated the panner kulcha and malai kofta and missed the plain kadhi chaawal prepared by my mom. I always thought that I could very well stay all alone with my friends until when I actually had to do it. And then I missed those everyday scoldings I got at home as a result of my endless mischief. Every time I think about these thoughts I try to explain myself that life was beautiful then bit I am not going to miss what I have in present because there is nothing worth missing. And as you would think I was proved wrong every time as I missed every stage of my life which has already passed and all the good/bad memories attached to the same. This was what I realized when I was in my final year of graduation and so took all care to express my state of mind to all those who were close to me.
However life is never so black and white. This noble act of mine gave me the status of being an “ emotional fool” out of all those with whom I shared my deep thoughts only a few reciprocated and rest were more of amused;which wasn’t amusing to me at all. It gave another jerk to me and my thoughts and so I decided to further modify my actions and attitude.
This gave birth to a completely new individual who now has little place for emotions (he doesn’t like being called an emotional fool) and is by far highly practical. He now tries to be emotionally detached with anyone and everyone not because he has no emotions but because he fears the pain of separation. But great men say, “Attitude towards anything in life takes the lifetime to develop and its not a child's play to just modify it according to the fancies of human mind.” Today I realize how true they were!
Today I see myself stuck in the middle of a vast sea of attitudes, values and thoughts. Everywhere I see the reflection views I once held, hold or ones which are in the process of formation. Everywhere I see the mirage of what I used to propagate and now am diametrically opposite to the same. One on hand I am pulled by the forces of rationality and free mind which I cultivated in the course of time and on the other hand there are the forces of culture and tradition which try to bring me back to that same age old mentality. And the dilemma is I respect both of them in spite of knowing the fact that the two are repelling to each other. I have turned into a mind with a big dichotomy of thoughts messed up with the arguments of rationality and blind trust. The result is the growing inconsistency in what I think what I believe what I propagate what I do and what I want to do. And trust me it’s far too complicated than what it looks right now. It’s the amazing capacity of the human brain to absorb all these endless commotion of the mind heart and soul and the adaptivity of the humans which still keeps it intact.
If you still doubt me just get back to the first paragraph of the text and try to relate it with this one. I bet it has no connection and I bet I can establish one if you want me to. Its all about the inconsistency of human mind, rather the inconsistency of my mind.