Economics->MBA->Analyst->Business
aaahh... Looks like a damn CV.
Let me try again.
Foodie-Moviefreak-Travel & Photography enthusiast->and of course a Blogger.
Last evening while a group of 29 souls were traveling back to hostel after having an amazing class trip, I too was one of those basking in the light of happiness and moments which will form the central theme of all the memories we will have in years to come. While I gazed into the horizon sitting on a window seat in bus, something struck me and I just felt like scribbling. No pen and a paper so I had to do with my Nokia’s message box. And finally after a gap of more than a month, all those scribbling and thoughts took shape of a small poem.
This is all I could type on my cell phone before I fell asleep amidst the chirping sounds of the returning birds and the cool breeze which touched across our tired yet rejuvenated face.
Last evening while I was having an evening walk with two of my friends, we were discussing about generic daily stuff and shared some of our personal experiences and thoughts on a plethora of issues. In the middle of all this, we exchanged views on the conflicts we witness among the family members and the society at large due to some very basic avoidable reasons. It may be as small as which job to join or as big as who to marry, or, anything in this world which involves an elder and a younger member of a family to take two extreme stands. Most often it is an ideological clash which happens and as a results egos and sentiments is hurt. And the same is the likelihood of witnessing an attempt to moderate the two sides using some sensible talking and adopting an approach of rationality.
But as we discussed it while we circled around the park, I was left pondering about the futility of the whole exercise of rationality which people advertently carry out. If it’s about an ideology and faith, it just may not follow any logic and might come out to be taken in an absolute manner. There isn’t anything wrong or right and so the debates around it can just go on forever, and tanning the delicate relationships for a very very long time.
So basically what may be a possible solution to this is only a matter of “Who surrenders the ego first?” The sooner that happens, the better it is.
Knowing all this, what does one do?
Follow one’s own set of ideologies irrespective of the emotional turmoil, it might cause among others. This on one hand may bring about a subtle change in the family values or simply cause a hullaballoo in an otherwise peaceful family.
Follow the ideologies which have always been followed and thereby living a conflict free life, devoid of any ideological freedom, which would later translate and manifest itself into a continuously diminishing level of decision making capability.
And as we retuned back thinking about all of this, I just realized that the policy we follow is not the one we choose for ourselves in a manner which is sacrosanct, but, it mostly is circumstantial and a matter of convenience. It is only a matter of priorities and the marginal benefit we hope to derive from our actions and inactions. Everything else can go for a toss. The grey area here is, how we measure that marginal benefit, for there is no tool whatsoever, which could take into account all the possible determinants and an occurrence of a “Black Swan” in our lives.
So now the unanswered question is, “Is it Ideology versus Rationality or Ideology and Rationality?”
Unlike most other days today I woke up as early as 7:30 am. Well, of course not just for the sake of it. I had to book my tickets to my home. But Alas! Owing to the really crawling speed of the internet service and the huge population which is always ready to travel across the 28 states of the country, I couldn’t book a confirmed ticket. My friend suggested me to board the train and do “JUGAD” with the TT. Well that didn’t really excite me as it does to most people.
Somewhere deep down, I don’t feel like paying Rs. 200 or more (depending upon my negotiation skills) to that man wearing a black coat for a seat which technically should be someone else’s. To the contrary I am ready to shell out 6000 bucks to take a flight to my sweet home 1500 kms away. A rational economist might term me as “insane” and may be “stupid” or whatever. Who on the earth would pay 6000 when one can get away with a mere 200.
I genuinely do not know why the hesitation in me. Is it because I have never done this? Or is it because I find it unethical? Or is it because I think I am incapable of getting this done? I have wondered and pondered on this for countless times only to be bewildered.
Coming to getting bewildered, it’s not just this ethical dilemma which is causing all the rumbles in my small sized brain. The past two months have been kind of very exotic. And very importantly exotic isn’t always “good” or “bad”.
The New Year did start with the usual SIMSR exams which probably now mean “just another day” to almost everyone. What kept everyone’s attention and will continue to in the near future are the placements which I shall evade talking about. The month has the history of gifting the world, two people who I happen to love a lot. One is without a doubt, I myself J and the other one being someone who has had the maximum influence over my life other than my parents. And talking about the end of the first month there were two events which loaded me with an unbundled amount of joy and sorrow. While the trip to Goa with my closest friends here was one of the best moments at SIMSR, my failure to clear an exam (for which I happened to study) was clearly one of the worst moments at SIMSR. And the two events took place within 24 hours. So probably, I didn’t even get any time to grief about the same.
Come February which is often considered the most eventful month of the year in the lives of most people. Well if not apologies to my generalization, but I guess February to me or my life or my family has been the eventful months. While 6 out 15 members in my family got married in this month and found their lifelong partners, I, on the other hand made an (un)successful attempt to fine one for me (long time back). But as a matter of fact it still is the best dream I have ever lived and the worst nightmare I still fear henceforth. In the first week of the 2nd month, inspite of the burgeoning population, I managed to lay my hands on the confirmed train tickets to the city I love more than my hometown. A perfect 3 day plan to the city, which harbours most of my loved ones and the ones who have made me whatever I am; for the good or the worse. On one hand I was able to relive an entire day with one of my sweetest friend, I once again failed to rectify the wrong and complete the incompleteness of certain aspects of my life. And while I was returning back to my hostel in Garibrath (a train used by rich misers like us) I didn’t know whether to smile or cry. My heart both rejoiced and wailed at the same time, leaving me alone with my unattended and incomplete emotions. That was the time I first realized that there could be something worse than being sad and grief stuck. And it is to not know about one’s own mental state, dwelling and oscillating between the being happy or woeful.
It wasn’t the end of the duality my life had been encountering. Here came the valentine week which to a single pessimist like me is nothing more than “commercialization of human emotions”, to the Marxist within me it is “wastage and inappropriate use of country’s resources” and to the capitalist within me, it is one of the ways to realize the growth story of India through the routes of LPG and demand driven economy. Ohhh... Looks like economics once again proved its pervasiveness. I will leave this here to be taken up some other day.
And coming back to what I just termed as “duality of my life”, here I come to where I started from. I sit here idle with an unconfirmed ticket to my home, not even sure whether I want to go or not. I sit her with a bundled set of emotions which I am yet to vent out, again unsure of whether I should at the first place. Somewhere I feel not venting them out unexpectedly helped me to not be sad (doesn’t imply happiness) for a long time, but I fear to think about the stress my cardiac muscles and my tiny brain would be taking at a sub conscious level. May be not speaking out, has compelled me to be not myself off late and I find myself slowly crawling back into my own limited personal space. May be that is the prime reason why I have made so many unsuccessful attempts in the past 24 hours to scribble something or maybe that is why I don’t even feel like watching those stupid yet addictive English TV soaps. May be this is why I wish to go home to get some peace of mind and also not want to go because I am incompetent to hide my emotions from my mom.
Life is way too simplified and bewildering at the same time. I guess that is the way it is meant to be. May be the mystery surrounding life and behavior itself is the sole reason for the existence of the Homo sapiens. I do not know. May be I will try to find my answers once I get home.
The sun shone high; bright was the noon 60 new faces lit up like a full moon Singles and couples; buddies and brothers- It went all so soon The date I remember was 16th of June
Red and pink; Yellow and blue There was a multitude of colour- brand new Fresh faces, enigmatic eyes, scintillating smile Everyone seemed so jocund and sublime
From Punjab to Kerala; Assam to Maharashtra Bongs and Marus ; Punjabis and Mallus All got woven into a common thread Of love, friendship and shared interests
The birthday kicks; the party highs The gossip kings and the innumerable controversies The movies, the night outs and Counter-Strikes Each time I think about them, my heartbeat spikes
From roomies to friends; pals to buddies People found not just love but brothers and sisters Everyone, while they missed their home Found a family so close to their soul
Energy ran from the classroom to the food courts From hostel to the grounds Books, Music, dance and drama All forming a part of our Nostalgia
The carnival which begun with high hopes Moving across the ups and downs; crests and troughs Expectations were belied, hopes were in shambles But each of us just said, “ Aaal izzz Welll(s)
As I look back on the roads we traversed The paths and milestones we covered Resplendence was redefined; Dedication defined Perspicacity personified and Majesty magnified
Time Flies as we try reaching the skies And as an ERA comes to an and I just don’t wish to move on and part For this is our very own, “PG A ---A CLASS APART”
The moment we enter the school for the first time, we knowingly or unknowingly enter the mad rat race. Right from the Monday test to the half yearly and finally the end term examinations; we are put under this constant pressure to perform. As we grow, we are made to believe that all that we did earlier was just a small base. Now begins the actual work. When I was about to take my class 10th exams, all the teachers explicitly showcased their expectations. One of them even said, “Whatever you have scored till now holds little importance. In the long run only the score of class 10th will be considered.” This same line was repeated by another teacher of mine when i was about to take the final examination marking the end of the school days. Time flew and in no time i found myself out in this unknown city trying to keep myself together and do what i came here for. Once again it was reiterated that all that i studied in school was only to decide the name of my college. Now they are all history and if i screw up now, my future is doomed.
Well the point which makes me ponder is, “is there a finish line at all?” Does there come a stage in life when I do not have a new race to run sacrificing my present luxuries? Or is life itself a race which ends only with the heart of the individual. Well, if that is true, why do I care to run so fast? If life is nothing but a race, why can’t I transform it into a leisurely walk enjoying the beauty around as I walk past different milestones in my life. Is the absence of this particular feature in our life which makes us crib all the time? I do not know. To be honest I am totally confused. Sometimes I pray, I stop questioning things around me.
A lot of people study hard and make their way up to the top. They begin their journey from may be a small town and go far away from their home to study, to work, to earn, to achieve success. Possibly the reason is because people relate success to happiness. They may to be entirely wrong in the absence of any other aspect in life which we could so closely relate to success. But for an individual who sacrificed a lot of happiness and luxury to work hard and later in life if that is what keeps him away from his family, for whom at the first place everything was done; is not success self defeating ?
A man works day and night to earn a good life for his family and in the process he fails to spend time and love his loved ones. He fails to sit with his parents who sacrificed everything to let this man study and grow. He spends a lot of time away and it often (not always) cripples the fabric of the family bond. The end result may be a broken and unhappy family. Many would attribute it to lack of time management or fate and destiny. Some may blame it on the societal framework while a few conservative raise the issue of a working wife.
But my objective is not to blame and to criticize the system. I am not against the participation in race for I myself am a part of it. May be I am a little scared. May be i am not sure if I will be able to manage my time. May be I am sad about the fact that i will have to work away from my family. Or maybe I am petrified at the thought of being a victim of this self defeating success.
As I am about to step into this corporate world, where people stand tall on the corpses of other people, known and unknown, I can only wonder and wish to achieve success; a state where I am happy and in a position to share the same with my family, my friends and my loved ones. I can only hope to enjoy the race and not just turn blind to the beauty around in the fatal effort to reach the finish line.
May be I am too young to think about all of this... or maybe, it is time I start thinking.
Most people I have met in my life have always had one common complain and point of dissatisfaction. They didn’t have any time (leave apart the concept of quality time) for themselves or for their family and loved ones. Sandwiched between work and endless responsibilities they found their lives being torn apart. They longed for moments where they could go and watch a movie or just sit by their window and relax or atleast have one morning when they wake up without getting tensed about all the unfinished tasks they need to complete. In short they were the modern day depictions of what HenryDavies wrote long back, “What is this life if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare.”
Till sometime back even I was one amongst them. The pressure of performance in all the activities I undertook voluntarily or involuntarily along with a host of personal and professional responsibilities used to drain me out. There were moments when i felt like running away to the Himalayas. Then came a moment of my life, when I got a dream job with my dream organizations, in a manner which still feels like a dream to me. Suddenly life changed in a blink of an eye. Moments before I was crashing under the nerve breaking pressure of proving oneself to the world; and suddenly I was a free bird.
Out of all the emotions which filled my heart the one which I wish to talk about is the pleasure of being “Completely Vella ” (For those with poor vocabulary “Vella” is the state of body and mind in which a person has absolutely nothing to do or think)
After a long time I wake up with no POAs at the back of my mind. I take all the time in the world to get ready (even if that makes no difference in how I look :P). Being a little abnormal, I now wake up pretty early in the morning. (I wake up late when I am supposed to do the contrary). My mom would be really happy to know that I now am regular with my breakfast also. And after all these morning chores I sit idle with literally no job. (Getting a job in medium run has made me unemployed in the short run). For the first few days I actually enjoyed this feeling of being vella. After all it came to me after a lot of trials and tribulations.
But this happiness was really short lived. I now feel really weird. And there are reasons for the same.
I wake up early and sleep late which gives me an extra couple of hours to spend. (But where?). I do not have any deliverables and have no reasons whatsoever to open a book or even the daily newspaper. (Honestly I wish to remain as far as I can from that ET). I don’t feel like browsing through a novel or books which give “general gyan”. But what really horrifies me is the fact that I don’t feel like watching movies or TV soaps either. While had exams I used to watch a movie almost every day along with those TV series (likes of HIMYM and Scrubs). And I used to take small naps while sitting on my study table. Even when I had to grasp those riling and vexing rules of IFRS and US GAAP, I always found time to compose poetry or write something abstract. But now I do none of them. How am I supposed to pass the 24 hours I have at my disposal... I guess the real fun and pleasure of having “fun” is when I have deadlines to achieve and unfinished tasks in my hands.
Yesterday, for the first time, I felt like I should have had a girlfriend. Not that I am looking for a short term relationship just to pass my time(I won’t do that even in my dreams), but looking at my committed friends I do know; they are always short of time(No offence meant). May be that is a panacea to all my problems.
I know I am a confused soul and when I should be living these moments, I am actually praying otherwise and would again pray otherwise the moment my prayers get answered! May be that is how I am.
