आखरी सांस

ये काले बादल, ये घनघोर घटाएं

दिलाती है याद उस हसीन रात की

ये कड़कती बिजलियाँ, ये बहती हवाएं

भूलाये न भूल पाता, बातें उस आखरी मुलाकात की

हम तो समझ बैठे थे प्यार को भगवान्

दे दिया उनको, अपना दिल अपनी जान

मगर देखो उस खुदा की खुदाई

सज़ा में मिली तो सिर्फ दर्द-ऐ-जुदाई

नादान थे हम जो ये समझ बैठे, कि

हमसे जादा प्यार न कर सकेगा कोई

मगर क्या पता था इस नाचीज़ दिल को

ऊपर वाले की मर्ज़ी से, कभी जीत न सका है कोई

कहते है हर रात की सुबह होती है

हर दर्द की एक दवा होती है

मगर ऐ खुदा पे भरोसा रखने वाले बन्दों

एक सवाल था, क्या होगा जवाब आपका...

जब खुदा ही छीन लेता है ज़िन्दगी की वो हर रौशनी ?

जब अँधेरे और रौशनी के बीच का फर्क, फर्क नहीं रहता

और जब रौशनी की वो आखरी किरण,

अक्सर ज़िन्दगी की आखरी सांस होती है

---श्रीराम

The disillusionment with infidelity

The other day, I accidently overheard a discussion between two ladies in the Delhi Metro, who were conspicuously talking about a couple who were still staying together and decided to continue their marriage, inspite of the fact that the husband was caught in an extra marital affair. The tone of their conversation displayed their hatred to the entire community of men who according to them were dogs and lacked any loyalty. They detested him even more because he was a father of two. However, they were all in good words for the wife who had showed supreme sacrifice and decided to remain in the marriage for the sake of their kids. So while, the husband represented the lows, the wife epitomized the highs of life.

It isn’t any news as such. Probably, with the passing days, such incidents are becoming more and more common, giving a big boost to the disposable income of the ones who were smart enough to spend their parent’s money on getting a degree in law. Infact with the relative ease of divorce laws, they are having a great time so to say. But somehow amidst all this, it still made me think on certain aspects of it.

Is infidelity always wrong and unjustified, no matter what the circumstances were? I had a chat with a female friend of mine and I sought for some answers and a point of view. What if one is not sexually satisfied either due to lack of it or incompatibility in the current marriage? Since she was relatively in the so called categories of people with modern thoughts, the way ahead, accordingly was to first seek a divorce and then venture for the sexual gratification mission. I ignored the sarcasm and asked what if you have kids and thus divorce would mean ruing their future? This time the way ahead was to compromise. Now my point is why didn’t she suggest compromise at the first place and secondly, why compromise at all. Two things come out. The so called list of moralities, values and ethics which we keep using the way we want are very much conditional and can be easily used to prove either side of the debate. But amidst all this I only ask why does an individual have to suffer because of the deficiencies of an inefficient and corrupt system?

In a free market, when you try to bring in restrictions in form of a floor or a ceiling, more than often, it results in unexpected distortions and emergence of black market or a parallel economy for better use of words. And it happens at the first opportunity one gets. So in case of an absence of a black market, may be its just not yet discovered or may the right opportunity hasn’t surfaced. I would abstain from explaining the analogy I was intending to present.

Also, why is infidelity always measured on a sexual parameter? How different is a man (or a woman) who seeks sexual gratification outside marriage to a one who seeks emotional support which ideally should also be present in the marriage. And for all those dreamers who talk about marriage being a bond of two souls forever, please get over it. As much as I myself would love to live this dream, which the literary figures created and made us internalize from the time we were born, the hard fact is, that marriage is an institution created by the society to tame the unbridled human sexuality in the pre nomadic and nomadic phase of life to a rigid structure, and then adding the function of economic co operation and child rearing and bearing to pass on the property from one generation to the other. Well it is a different matter that with the stroke of a pen, the process of metamorphosis began and thus the reason for varying levels of sacredness and romanticism attached to the institution. But, being rest assured, the degree of indoctrination is so high that, there is rarely a scope of an alternative line of thinking. So, no qualms against those who by now, would have been offended and may be already judged me. For what I know, judging shares its own place in the list of the basic instincts of human beings, which rarely get eliminated. They just lie dormant at the best.

As a matter of fact, I do not intend to stand for the cause of those poor bastards who were caught cheating. Like everybody else, I too despise the act of cheating. But I despise it in all forms and do want to restrict it to mere sexuality. But more than that, I despise the hypocrisy surrounding the human sexuality and the act of institutionalizing it. It is relatively easy to close your eyes and remain ignorant or remain disillusioned with eyes wide open. After all, I too am standing on the peaks of disillusionment, desperately trying to figure out something which might not even exist.

---Sriram

@ Cha Bar

I took a seat on my usual table

My tea giving its own delight and tranquil

I gazed across the road and back in the shop

Observing the people around, both retro and hip hop.

As I riffled through the pages of Atlas Shrugged,

The couple in corner kissed and hugged.

While a flabbergasted old lady boggled,

Most around either ignored or ogled.

Right in the middle sat a young businessman

Wiping his forehead in continuous anticipation

While some the rowdy striplings giggled

and squabbled creating a pandemonium.

The lady sitting on the other end

Seemed to struggle with her new life

Anxiously, she padded her little toddler

Possibly, waiting for the newbie father.

Every table was a part of some unique story

And amidst all the commotion; they all were linked

Every single moment spent in that place

Was a testimony to someone’s journey and race.

There were people from life’s every phase

Each with a dream on their visible face

And as my mind bloated with thoughts untold

I realized, my hot tea had turned cold.

---Sriram

A life for my life

This morning, while I was browsing through some old files and folders, I came across this piece of poetry. As I went through reading it, I realized how time flies by. It was way back in 2005 when I worte this.(While attending an extra class in Organic Chemistry). It was my first poem and completing it gave me a sense of immense satisfaction. Inspite of the fact that, now I realize how immature and childish I was, both with my writings and feelings in general, I also could see myself growing through all this time. But then, who cares! I am happy that I attempted to bring out the poetry within me howsoever crude and raw it might be. At the end of the day, this is what makes me happy. Even though, the content within is now redundant, but then just like you do not ever forget the first love of your life, I hold this first poem of mine pretty close. And here after 6 years, I felt like sharing the same.

I still wonder how it all happened

It was all so quick and fast

I being so uncertain about life

And even more about love.

Girls I felt were selfish and mean

Life to me was just to enjoy

There was so many in my life

Yet I seldom had a shoulder to cry.

I could party but not share

I could laugh but not cry

I could dance and sing

But still it was all alone.

Then came a day, a moment

The tide of my thoughts simply changed the direction

Suddenly I felt someone so close to me

Someone so pure so serene so caring.

It was strange for me

Not because I respected her

Not because I was drawn towards her enigmatic beauty

But because I now loved her.

Her voice were the soft petals of a flower

So lovely so charming

Her innocence was what I loved the most

Coz there in laid her beauty.

Dreams- I felt it were

Fantasy –I thought I was in

But soon I realized

It was time to get mesmerized.

Those I believed were real; Inspite of

Emotions and feelings so close to being surreal

It was all about the blind trust

For, she was the one made for me.

I am no more what I was

A changed man is what I am

And suddenly, it occurred,

I too have a life to live now.

I may grow old with her

And live life not just for me

But, for someone special

A life for my life...

---Sriram

What if ?

I walked on the dusty road

Looking for something we all had lost

The land lay barren, the birds dead

There was a silence in those screeching sounds

The leaves, devoid of its nectar

The homes appeared all ransacked

And the only sound to be heard

Was that of the sobbing soul

There lay a heap of horror

And a pile of ashes turned cold

All they wanted was to live, smile and laugh

But the remains were burnt bones and dried blood

Suddenly I saw the past running

This time not on a 70 mm screen

Certainly, man was the strongest

Yet weak enough to annihilate the rest

I was taken aback by a huge noise

Happily finding it to be just a dream

And then I mused on the remnants

What if the DREAM comes true?

And, what if the DREAMS come true?

---Sriram

Through time and sublime

Friend, philosopher or a guide

Far and unknown from the malice

To me, she was the reason

Of the laughter and smiles so wide

We had blended in the very first meet

Even sugar couldn’t have been that sweet

Appeared she did to all; a symbol of simplicity

Hidden beneath was the dark maze of complexity

Like the river, the words had flowed

Ups and downs; lows and highs

Through the marvels of the journey, I glowed

Oh Lord! Little did I know about the disguise

While I look at those marvellous years

I still can’t smile without any tears

But, give me chance to go back into the time

And I shall do exactly the same to feel the sublime

---Sriram

Being 24

In the evening just when I was about to go out for some work my doorbell rang. And to my pleasant surprise it was a birthday card from my parents. And moments later I was travelling across the time axis of the all the birthdays when the only common and the constant part has been my mom wishing me the first and with the same love and affection as it was when I was just a small kid. Well I guess there is nothing unique to it for almost every mom does it for the kid. But it has and still is the most special part of this day.

As a kid I still remember waking up to the tunes of a song “Hum bhi agar, bache hote, Naam hamara hota, dablu bablu... khaane ko milte laddu... arre duniya kehti happy birthday to you.” I think every single birthday of mine till I stayed at home used to begin with this. And honestly, I loved it every single time even when I was 18.

Over the years the ways of birthday celebrations change for most of us. As kids it used to be yet another day, playing with friends and getting all the attention and affection, not to forget the gifts and chocolates and sometimes even money from the eldest member of the family. Like any other kid, I used to keep all the chocolates to myself give the money to mom to safely put it in my Piggy Bank( or to bring out the real feeling as we call it GULLAK).

In the primary school, it usually was all about distributing toffees to the class mates in the period of the favourite teacher and all of the friends singing the “Happy Birthday song.” But the best part was in DPS we used to be allowed to wear our informal (coloured) clothes and be clearly distinguished as the b’day boy. In its own innocent sense, it was the happiest times of the year.

As we grow smart and lost the innocence, mere toffees weren’t enough and well, it got promoted to a school canteen party where, the foodies would dive into the samosas and pastries. {I myself being one held a record for gulping down around 10 on one such occasion.) And of course, for me it was also finally getting to initiate a talk with those beautiful girls (seniors, juniors) whom I kept falling for every now and then. In the last years of school it was mostly about garnering the special affection and sharing beautiful moments with the first love of life.

But what has been remarkably different has been the last 5 years where the birthday begun with the royal treatment of the ass and being painted with the cakes, which on the next day continues to happen if you are bestowed with multiple groups of friend and then finally wallet being let lose. The last 2 at SIMSR hostel were even more remarkable as the number of kicks had no upper limit neither the amount of fun. To add to it, I shared my birthday with my roomie as well which only multiplied the fun we all had together. The one I did manage to escape was the CRISIL tradition where all the colleagues used to sing the HAPPY BIRTHDAY song and more often the poor b’day guy used to be more than just embarrassed.

And here it is time for another one. Life passes by real quick. A year earlier I felt like a kid amongst all my friends who had already crossed 25. And now, it feels like there is so little time and so much to do. I guess being 24 has its own manifestations. The year to come, will, in its own way, determine and shape everything I have been and want to be. All I need is to be as passionate I was as a kid. And while I turn 24 in the next few hours, this is all I could scribble.

Wide awake I stare far away

Into the wilds, roads and up in the sky

Closing my eyes, I pray on this day

Let me remain a kid and yet fly high

---Sriram